Can a relationship work if you disagree on politics?
Jul 16, 2020Can a relationship work if you disagree on politics?
This is an article that I wrote for Harpers Bazaar.
We talk to a psychotherapist and couples therapist to find out if differing politics spell the beginning of the end.
Jodie Comer's relationship with an alleged Trump supporter has prompted much discussion over whether it's possible to sustain a happy relationship with someone who has opposing political views. While rumours about the political persuasion of Comer's boyfriend remain unsubstantiated, the subject of how to remain united as a couple if your politics are divided is a complex one. How do you dodge arguments when you disagree on key issues and does it make you incompatible long-term?
We spoke to psychotherapist, couples therapist and author Neil Wilkie to find out if a relationship can still work if the two of you fall on polar ends of the political spectrum.
A relationship can certainly work if there are disagreements about politics and it can create a healthy frisson of difference. It will be problematic if the difference is so wide that it tramples on the core values of one of you.
the problems these disagreements are causing, here are some practical tips:
- UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER'S ‘MAP OF THE WORLD’
What are their beliefs and values, what do they want to achieve in life and what has made them who they are? Couples rarely explore this, and it can be a cathartic and bonding experience to create the space and time to do so. Ask the deep questions gently and listen exquisitely well. It is important to ask questions about ‘feelings’ rather than ‘stuff’.
this, and it can be a cathartic and bonding experience to create the space and time to do so. Ask the deep questions gently and listen exquisitely well. It is important to ask questions about ‘feelings’ rather than ‘stuff’.
- CELEBRATE DIFFERENCES
Accept that you are different and celebrate this. In a great relationship, you should be more than the sum of the parts.Accept that you are different and celebrate this. In a great relationship, you should be more than the sum of the parts.
- THE SIX FREEDOMS
Understand that in a relationship there are three entities - you, me and us. For the relationship to thrive there are six core freedoms that Understand that in a relationship there are three entities - you, me and us. For the relationship to thrive there are six core freedoms that each need: difference, individual, privacy, imperfection, life of your own and evolving and changing.
The two that are relevant for political differences are:
- Freedom to differ. You have a right to be an individual and to have your own personality, beliefs, opinions and values.
- Freedom to be an individual. There is a common belief that couples have to do things together, think the same way, vote for the same political party and believe the same things. To thrive as a couple, you need to be your genuine self.- Freedom to be an individual. There is a common belief that couples have to do things together, think the same way, vote for the same political party and believe the same things. To thrive as a couple, you need to be your genuine self.
- LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND, NOT TO INFLUENCE
If you hear a political view that upsets you, first pause. Having done this ask yourself, was what you heard triggering an unhelpful response in you? Then, gently, ask your partner about what they said in an attempt to really understand their views. Your role is to really listen and to understand their perspective, not to tell them that they are wrong or to persuade them to your viewpoint. This is a relationship not a debating society.really listen and to understand their perspective, not to tell them that they are wrong or to persuade them to your viewpoint. a debating society.
- AGREE ON THE ISSUES THAT YOU CAN PARK
If If your political differences are manageable and no amount of discussion will change the outcome, such as Brexit, then leave it behind. To keep on picking at the scab will just cause discomfort.
picking at the scab will just cause discomfort.
- CREATE A POLITICS-FREE SPACE
In particular, the bedroom should be sacrosanct.In particular, the bedroom should be sacrosanct.
- WHAT ARE THE UNDERLYING DREAMS?
Political opinions are often a reflection of an underlying dream. Talk and reflect to understand where both your perspectives on politics come from, and what does it symbolise? What kinds of lifelong dreams are at stake? If your dreams differ, try to find areas where they overlap, or try to make plans to give each of your dreams a chance to grow and become reality.
Neil Wilkie is a relationship expert, psychotherapist and author of ‘Reset - The Relationship Paradigm’.