Questions to ask before getting back with your ex.Jun 13, 2021
Here is an article that I wrote for The Metro
Getting back with your ex can seem attractive. If you haven’t got over them it is an easy solution to loneliness. It can also trap you in an even worse relationship.
Here are the important questions to ask yourself before you decide to get back with an ex:
- Why did you break up?
If you ended the relationship, think back to why you made that decision in the first place. Was it really a mistake or were there sound reasons why you broke up that you should stick to? If they ended the relationship, consider why they have changed their mind and whether anything has changed for them. For a relationship to work second time around something needs to have changed – if you’re both in the same place as before it’s likely that, even if going back to each other might be fun to begin with it, it might be disappointing in the long run.
- Have you had enough time to get a new perspective?
You need to have had time to enjoy life outside of the old bubble, to have shed any tears and regrets and to have embraced new possibilities. If not, you are still looking at life through the lens of the old relationship.
- Who are you?
You may have been buried within the old relationship and not had a strong sense of ‘Me’. It is really important that you take the opportunity to do this as a strong relationship has three separate parts: Me, You and Us.
- How have you both changed?
You cannot rewind time to when you first got together, as life has changed and wrinkles appeared. If you shed the past memories, would you find each other attractive? Given the passage of time and changes in interests are you now both compatible?
- Calibrate your old Relationship
How was the relationship on the 6 key elements that are the foundation for every successful relationship? Score each of these out of 10 (where 10 is perfect) and see what pattern emerges:
- Communication – were you able to talk, express your feelings and be truly listened to?
- Connection – how strong was the feeling of connection or had you drifted apart?
- Commitment – were you both truly committed to the relationship or going through the motions?
- Fun – how much fun did the two of you have together?
- Growth – were the ‘You’, ‘Me’ and ‘Us’ all growing or stuck in a rut?
- Trust – did you trust them totally?
If many of the scores were 7 or below then why would this be better in the future?
- Have you been open to having a new relationship?
If you have been living in regret, then you are unlikely to have seen the possibilities of new relationships. Would you only buy the same clothes from the same shop or would you look for new styles in different shops?
- What relationships have they had?
If they have had a new long-term relationship, how do you feel about having someone else to be compared with? You should also look at how it ended. If it ended badly this can be a warning sign. If they are they blaming their partner and playing the victim, this is unhealthy as it could be a repeating pattern.
- Make it a date
Treat this as a new relationship. If you both slip back into the ‘same old’ it will be disappointing. This is the opportunity to make a new start, to learn from past mistakes and to create a new and better relationship.
If they just want to move their socks back into the same drawer, sit in the same chair and do the same things, will that feel new and exciting or dull and disappointing?
Take it slowly and enjoy the journey. Make it fun, romantic and memorable.
Answering the above questions will give you a much clearer idea of whether it will work. You both deserve a great and loving relationship; if you can both have that with each other, that is good. If not, look elsewhere!