Questions to ask before texting your ex
Nov 15, 2020
Here is an article that I wrote for Red Magazine
Why would you text your ex?
Lockdown 2.0 means that you will be having far fewer opportunities to meet new people and socialise. The novelty has worn off and we have no idea when or how all this is going to end.
Loneliness and boredom may be creeping in and you may be looking at the past through rose tinted glasses. You cannot recreate the past nor can you delete the bad moments and only have the good.
8 Ideas on how to resist.
- Remind yourself why they are your ex.
Ask yourself these questions, with the gift of hindsight:
- How did the relationship end and was it your decision, their decision or a mutual decision?
- If it was your decision, was it a mistake?
- If it was their decision; have they changed their mind?
- From what you know now, would anything have changed?
- Are you now both in a fundamentally different place where the relationship could work better?
- If you met your ex today as a complete stranger would you be attracted to them and want to start a relationship with them?
If the answer to all of these is no, then nothing has changed and going back would be more than disappointing.
- Produce a logical list
Write down two lists. The first of the things that you liked about them and the second of the things that you didn’t like. Be honest and focus on how they were just before the relationship ended, not in the early days. Some will be more important than others. Which list wins and how?
- Access your subconscious
Get lots of paper and find a space free of interruptions. Think about your ex and write non-stop for 15 minutes (that means you are not allowed to stop writing.) At the end of 15 minutes, stop and take a break of at least 5 minutes. Come back and read through what you have written and see what themes have emerged. Then take that paper somewhere safe and burn it. Reflect on what that has told you about your ex,
- Tap into your heart
Sit or lie still and focus on thoughts of your ex. What is that telling you? Check to see if your conscious mind, subconscious and heart are aligned. If not, where is the dissonance coming from?
- Focus on what sort of relationship you want in the future.
This is an opportunity to create your ideal future relationship, not to replay old dreams.
A great way of getting clarity on this can be to get a large piece of paper and some coloured pens. Let the thoughts and feelings flow and draw a representation of what your ideal future relationship will be, not just the person ,but how you will feel and the life you will be having. Look at this and see what it is telling you.
Then work out what you need to do to allow this to happen.
- List the attributes of your ideal partner.
It is easy to get distracted by physical appearance. Focus instead on what their values will be and how they will make you feel.
Think through your values (example words are Fun, responsibility, control, excitement, love, passion, family, achievement). Make a list of these and choose your top 7 priorities; these will give you clues of what a compatible partner will bring.
- Find a distraction to nurture you
What do you love doing or haven’t done that you really want to do? Choose some things that you can do in isolation and make the time and generate the energy to start. Netflix may be a quick escape but something like learning a language, meditating or bouncing to Joe Wicks may have longer lasting value.
- If you are still tempted, try calling or texting a friend instead
If it is loneliness that is making you feel like texting your ex, you are likely to get a better response from a friend; maybe someone that you haven’t been in touch with for some time. A phone call may also be much more satisfying than a text exchange
If it is nostalgia that is driving you; just reflect on happy memories from the past and accept those are memories that cannot be recreated. You can access all of these without having to involve your ex and the complications that may ensue.
If it is a real desire to rekindle the old relationship, recognise that it can never be the same again and go back to Idea 1.
