Empty Nest?

Now that your child has gone off to University, how is that affecting you and what impact will it have on your relationship with your partner?

I have worked with hundreds of couples who started off very much in love but then life, work and the passing of time caused them both to drift apart and get to the place where habit, fear of the unknown and the children were the only things holding them together as the love and friendship had faded.

The trigger to change is often when the children leave home to work, marry or go to University.  This week is a key time when many children are heading off to University to start a new journey, Covid-19 allowing.  This often leaves behind one parent who had been spent more of their time being a parent and looking after the house while the other was away working.

The change in the dynamic normally hits the stay at home parent most and brings into question what their purpose is now. The one who is at work and the main provider may be unaware of the deep impact this has.

Empty Nest Syndrome can create a sense of loss, sadness, loneliness and lack of purpose.

The journey to dealing with this includes:

For your child

• Celebrate your achievement in bringing up your child and helping them on their journey
• Let them fly free and be there to support them when they need it

For You

• Explore who you are as a person and what will give you a sense of fulfilment
• Be kind to yourself
• Create time to do things that will give you pleasure
• Take up a hobby or pursuit that you have wanted to do ‘if only I had time’
• Create your bucket list
• Connect with other like-minded people and share tears and laughter
• Create the time and space to talk to your partner about how you are feeling about the empty nest

For you and your partner

A couple who have drifted apart can fall back in love again.

This is an opportunity for creating a new and different relationship.

You cannot go back in time to try and recreate what it was years ago because you are both older and circumstances have changed.

To create a new and better relationship you need to break the unhelpful patterns of the past.

The first small step is to make time to do something together; get yourself both out of the rut and find fun and companionship

Then, you need to deal with the current problems in your relationship:

Create the space and time to have a conversation, free of interruptions

Calibrate where you both feel you are in the relationship.  Give scores out of 10 (where 10 is wonderful and 1 is awful) for each of the key elements of your relationship:

• Communication
• Connection
• Commitment
• Fun
• Growth
• Trust

Share your scores and talk through the similarities and differences

Talk about your feelings rather than the ‘stuff’ and try and remove blame by talking about ‘I feel’ rather than ‘You don’t’

Agree just one step that you are both going to take, that week, to improve on one priority.

Repeat every week until you are both happy with the relationship.

 Once you are making positive progress, you can then start to look to the future: 

What future do you want and is that compatible with what your partner wants?

• Focus on the future that you would both like; share your dreams and maybe jointly produce a dream board to give you both something to work towards.
• Continue to take small steps and communicate openly and honestly to ensure you are both on track to fall back in love again and stay in love.