Is it possible to move out from living with your partner without breaking up?

Here is an article I wrote for Metro.

Is it possible to move out from living with your partner without breaking up?

I think many people will have moved in together for lockdown or logistical reasons, but may not feel that they want to continue when lockdown ends.

• Can this work? How can you make it work? 

Yes, it can work. It depends why you are doing it and how you discuss this with each other.

If you are doing it because you are feeling claustrophobic in the relationship, then you should discuss this with your partner and work out what you need to have happen to get a sense of space.

If you are doing it because you have fallen out of love with them; then be honest and examine if that is a short-term blip or a long-term realisation. If it is long term, then part gently; don’t create a mirage that you will be back.

If you need space because life is just too difficult, then create the space you need.

If you rushed into being together too soon because of lockdown but you are sure that you still want a long-term relationship; then hold onto that intention and use the next period as an opportunity for gentle romance and enjoying deeper connection with each other.

• Is it necessarily a 'backwards' step? 

No; it can be a very positive step to move from premature physical closeness to physical separation but greater emotional closeness.  A metaphor might be, would you rather drink a bottle of Dom Perignon at room temperature straight from the bottle in one go or would you prefer to savour it at the perfect temperature and sip it slowly from a crystal glass?

Be very clear about the future that you both want.  Understand that it is about the journey not the destination.

• What does it say about your relationship? 

It can say that you have a strong relationship and that you are both committed to the long-term growth of it.

It can also say that circumstances pushed you together too soon and that you are both emotionally developed enough to pause and get back on track.

It might also say that the relationship is not right and has run its’ course. 

• How do you bring it up with your partner without upsetting them?

Create time and space, free of interruptions.  Tell your partner that you want to talk about your relationship and how to make it even better.  Their role is to listen, without interrupting.

Explain how you are feeling, reassuring them that you love them (if you do).

Say what you love and like about being together and what you are finding difficult (expressed from the perspective of ‘I feel’ rather than blaming them)

Describe why you feel the relationship will be better if you live in different places.

Talk through your dreams for the future.

Then get them to do the same.

Another way of eliciting all those feelings is for both of you to get large sheets of paper and some coloured pens.  Separately draw a picture that represents life as it is right now for you and then a picture representing your ideal life in the future.

Work out what you need to have happen to get you from now to the future.

Compare, contrast and discuss!

• How to tell if moving out could be the best thing?

Rate your relationship out of 10 on each of the key elements:

Communication

Connection

Commitment

Fun

Growth

Trust

If your scores are low you have 3 fundamental choices:

1. Stay together as you are and accept that it will not change
2. Separate permanently
3. Separate to get some breathing space and Invest the time and energy to see if you can create a new, different and better relationship with your partner.

Reflecting on those three simple choices; what does your heart tell you, what does your head tell you and what does your gut tell you? 

If all of those are aligned on separating, then that is a clear answer. 

Now imagine acting on that and ending the relationship. 

How does that feel and what do those feelings tell you?

If your partner agrees; that is good. If they want you to stay but you are very clear that you should go, then go. You will be doing neither of you any favours if you stay against your best judgement.