Stop Playing the Blame Game

Blaming is a natural human tendency. When something bad happens, the first thing we want to know is, “whose fault is it?”.

Brené Brown in her video on Empathy considers why we blame others, how it sabotages our relationships, and why we desperately need to move beyond this toxic behaviour.

Blaming provides us with a means to express our pain and gives us the mirage of having some of control on a negative situation. While it may feel good to release anger by blaming others, it hurts our relationships with those around us, and makes it harder for us to hold people accountable for their actions. Blaming actually has an inverse relationship with accountability.

So why is blaming so toxic? It’s an example of defensiveness, which can be self-protection from a perceived attack through indignation or by playing the victim. Below is an example of a defensive interaction between a couple:

John: The house is really messy! We have guests coming over for dinner in an hour, Rachel. I thought we agreed that you would tidy up the kitchen. I can’t believe how careless you are!

Rachel: I had a lot to do today. I work really hard to look after your children and all you do is come home and expect to be served by me. Why can’t you help. They are your friends anyway.

It’s not surprising that Rachel would become defensive considering John’s head on criticism. While it’s reasonable that Rachel would defend herself, research shows that this rarely results in the desired outcome. Defensiveness doesn’t make the attacking partner back down or apologise. In fact, most of the time it will escalate the argument even further.

This is because defensiveness is really an underhanded way of blaming your partner. When John confronts Rachel about her lack of housework, Rachel responds with a counterattack about how John treats her as a servant. In other words, Rachel is telling John, “the problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

Furthermore, defensiveness and blaming lead to missed opportunities for empathy and emotional connection. When we are listening with the intent to determine who’s at fault, we are not truly listening with empathy. This is problematic because empathy is crucial to feeling heard and understood in relationships.

The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility, even if for only part of the problem. By holding ourselves accountable for our actions, we open the door to make the changes necessary to better ourselves. When we respond defensively by blaming, we slam that door shut, and give up our power to change.

Here’s how John and Rachel could say things differently:

John: I’m really upset about how messy the house is. I thought we agreed that you would tidy up the kitchen today.

Rachel: I’m sorry, dear. I did agree to clean the kitchen. We still have an hour until company comes over, so I’ll start washing the dishes. Would you do me the honour of being my dish dryer?

John avoids using criticism, and Rachel accepts responsibility for her actions instead of blaming her partner.

Many of us don’t realize that negative comments may actually contain hidden pleas for connection. Before rushing to respond defensively, pause and think about what your partner is trying to communicate. Practice accountability in your relationships with others. You might be surprised by how it increases your capacity for empathy.