The Impact this year has had on Relationships

article lockdown relationships Nov 09, 2020

Here is an article that I wrote for Yahoo Style

 

1.How has this year impacted relationships?

The first Lockdown was a difficult time with restrictions on what we can do, uncertainty about the future, fears of getting Covid-19, being trapped in the same space as our partner and children. This uncertainty is now even worse because we don’t know when it is going to end and there are more changes and ambiguity.

In our old life we would have the opportunity of escape to work or out with friends, the gym, café’s, bars, pubs, restaurants, cinemas and theatres.  In the first lockdown we had to stay in, play Scrabble, watch Netflix and disappear down the black hole of Social Media.  I called this period Isolationship.

It was a great opportunity to spend more time with people you love; it was also a time where frustration and resentments could grow, and that love start to dissipate.

Now that we are in a different and more ambiguous phase, we will all be experiencing different feelings and our journey to the ‘new normal’ will be at different speeds.  We will also be bringing with us different baggage of fear, frustration, irritation, resentment as well as positive feelings of joy, gratitude and reconnection with what is really important. We can choose which to carry forward and which to leave behind.

With so much change it is a great time for couples to pause and reflect on what has gone well in the relationship and what could be even better. If this is done with an attitude of openness, honesty and wanting to co-create a better future then the relationship can only improve.

If couples wait, the likelihood is that frustrations and resentments will be suppressed and leak out in disconnection or arguments, then the relationship is likely to deteriorate.

  1. What has been the knock-on impact of this?

Relationships will become more polarised towards good or bad until we reach a consistent period of stability and economic growth. This could be headlined as Baby Boom or Divorce Disaster.

The impact of all of this uncertainty and stress will have a long-term negative effect on our physical and mental health. The stress puts us into fight, flight or freeze mode and the body is being flooded by the stress hormones of adrenaline and cortisol. 

The physical effects include poor sleep, a higher risk of heart problems, high blood sugar levels, high blood pressure, obesity, weakened immune system and organ damage.

The impact on mental health is more insidious and can create insecurity, poor self-image, unhappiness, depression, reduced energy and mental fatigue.

The mental illness echo’s will resonate for years to come.

3. Have couples drifted apart or has lockdown actually benefitted some couples?

They will either have embraced the opportunities of lockdown or will have failed.

If they have used the time well, it will be a great foundation to the relationship.

They will have explored each other; physically, sexually, emotionally.  They will have communicated well, talked about feelings. They will have resolved irritations and differences.  They will have had fun together and prolonged the honeymoon period. They will have discussed their dreams and created a shared vision of the future.  They will have made time to be together and allow each other to be separate in the same space. They will have understood that for a strong relationship there are three parts; me, you and us. Trust will have grown as they will have had fewer distractions.

If they have not used the time wisely their relationship may be on shaky foundations.

The Honeymoon period will have been rudely interrupted by being trapped together and noticing each other’s less appealing habits. They will have allowed small irritations to grow. They will have been in fight or freeze mode as flight was not an option until the doors open to the outside world.

Lockdown is a crucible that is a great test for whether a relationship can thrive or not.

If couples accept the reality of what there is and focus on building Communication, Connection, Commitment, Fun, Growth and Trust then Lockdown is a wonderful opportunity to build a great foundation for their relationship.

If instead, they choose to be frustrated by the limitations, the restrictions and what is wrong that can cause the foundations to crumble and the relationship fail.

In times of danger and uncertainty we need comfort and closeness. We do not want to be alone. In lockdown the choice of partners is more limited, and we may seize onto what is there because that is the best choice we have in that moment.

The danger is that, once the door on lockdown is finally opened, that primal need for company and security will diminish. Also, people will be able to socialise more widely and see that there is a much greater choice out there.

Couples may then look forward at others through the lens of possibility and look back at the lockdown period through the lens of negativity. They may focus on what was wrong with their partner, what irritated them and get this out of context.  This will help Couples that did not have a great Lockdown experience to justify their reasons for breaking up.

 

  1. Tips on how to help improve relationships if you have found this year has negatively impacted yours. 

If your relationship has been adversely affected by lockdown and you feel you have drifted apart, here are 11 tips to help you fall back in love again:

  1. Calibrate where you are

Create the space and time to have a conversation, free of interruptions.

Calibrate where you both feel you are in the relationship.  Give scores out of 10 (where 10 is wonderful and 1 is awful) for each of the key elements of your relationship:

  • Communication
  • Connection
  • Commitment
  • Fun
  • Growth
  • Trust

Share your scores and talk through the similarities and differences.

Talk about your feelings rather than the ‘stuff’ and try and remove blame by talking about ‘I feel’ rather than ‘You don’t’.

Agree just one step from the list below that you are both going to take, that week, to improve on one priority.

Repeat every week until you are both happy with the relationship. 

Communicate

  1. Express your feelings and emotions to each other.

If your partner is doing things that irritate or upset you; tell them how that makes you feel.  Do this in the moment rather than burying it and allowing it fester.  Use words like ‘I feel….’ and avoid blaming words like ‘You…’  This helps you dig below the stuff, the shoes in the hall, the messy sink, damp towels on the floor, into the real feelings

  1. 3 Good Things

Every evening share three good things that you have experienced during the day.  It is a great way of getting your subconscious into a positive frame before you sleep. 

Connect

  1. Hugs

According to the family therapist, Virginia Satir, we need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 for maintenance and 12 for growth.   They should be at least 20 seconds each to get the feel-good hormone, Oxytocin, flowing. Get hugging!

  1. Make time as a couple

Ensure that when you part in the morning and come back at night that you say hello and goodbye in a way that makes you both feel connected. Create moments of intimacy where it is as if the world stops and nothing else matters. 

 6.Eat Together

Make dinner or other mealtimes special occasions where you are sitting together, free of electronic distractions and can just talk.

Commitment

  1. Once a week set aside about an hour for a State of the Union meeting. Reflect on what has gone well in your relationship and what could be even better.  Share appreciation of 5 positive things your partner has done and then choose one issue in your relationship that could be better.  Explain why this is important to you and what you would like.

Fun

  1. Do different things

When did you last have fun together?  Unleash the child within and do things that will make you both smile and laugh.

Growth

  1. Dream Board

Relationships can get stuck in a rut. Talking about your dreams for the future can really help.  Find a big sheet of cardboard or board and put this somewhere that everyone can see it.  Find or draw pictures that elicit those dreams, whether it be places, things, people or feelings.  Share them with everyone and co-create one shared dream board.

Trust

  1. Be open

Talk about how you are feeling.  It is OK to be sad, worried or down.  Let your partner help and allow these feelings flow through you.

  1. Avoid the black hole of Social Media

We all get the Dopamine hit of instant gratification when our phone pings to say we have a new message.  This can be useful, but it can also be a distraction from our partner. It may make them feel less important and wonder who is that you are spending time communicating with. Let your partner know what you are doing and create device free times and places where you as a couple are the priority.

 

Neil Wilkie is a Relationship Expert, Psychotherapist, author and creator of the Relationship Paradigm  www.relationshipparadigm.com